I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
