Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
