so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
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