ya dads aren't the best wingmen
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
