umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
