she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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