I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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