I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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