Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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