I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
