you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
