I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
