I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
