I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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