JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
