i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
