I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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