well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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