my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
