he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize