im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
