I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
