Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
