the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
