I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
