I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I need water and some morals
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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