U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
MIDGETS
????
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
