please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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