I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
