My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
