the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize