The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
