Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
