I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize