i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
