Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
