Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
