I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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