Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
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