im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
