apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
