Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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