I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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