just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
