yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
