its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
