omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Can Purell be used as lube?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize