M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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