i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
we should paint friendship bongs
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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