Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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