I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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