Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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