I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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