I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Randomize
