So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
