I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
