in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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