I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Randomize
