when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Randomize
