Betty ford says i'm here all night
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
