After last night, I could never be a politician.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
