Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
