she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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