also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
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