Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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