I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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