in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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