I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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